My Confession

I know you were probably expecting or wanting some salacious admittance of sin or wrongdoing. I am sorry to disappoint you on that front. However, what I have to say in the following paragraphs might surprise you somewhat.

 When I first felt called to vocational ministry some sixteen years ago, I wanted to help people and change the world. I still do, although my methods and perspectives have changed. You see, I have always struggled with inferiority mainly because of my upbringing and never feeling good enough. Growing up in an abusive home created some deep emotional baggage that in some ways I am still trying to get through. I became a pastor because I wanted God’s best for people and to see them fulfilled in God’s purposes for their lives. I could have chosen many things, but in my heart, I believed God wanted me to fulfill the role of pastor for the greater good of His Kingdom.

 Having been a pastor for going on thirteen years I can say the good has far outweighed the bad. I have been blessed to serve in churches that have taken care of me and my family. I have made many friends. While there have been bad times, and not all experiences with people have been positive, I am thankful God has spared me many difficulties and shown me tremendous grace.

 I don’t really talk about the pressures of being a pastor because I don’t want to seem ungrateful or that I am complaining. I worked in manufacturing for over six years before I entered vocational ministry, so I understand everyone has stress and pressure in their jobs to varying degrees. But let me say that being a pastor is unlike any other job in the world.

 Many folks expect you to be perfect and always say the “spiritual thing.” Showing emotion, such as being upset, or having a bad day is considered not being mature in the faith. Now, I understand pastors/elders are called to a high standard in Scripture. It is not my intention to water those qualifications down. But I wonder if we as a Christian community have not put expectations on people that they can never live up to.

 You see, I have had several friends in ministry take their lives because the burden and pressure became too great for them. I have spent all week struggling whether or not to even write this because I was anxious about how it would be received. But I have had so many emotions building for so long, I was compelled for my own emotional and spiritual well-being to be true to myself.

 In our culture, being true to oneself is rare. What I mean by being true to oneself is channeling who you are as God’s unique creation, flaws and all, and using that to the glory of God. We put our expectations on others to be who we want them to be and do what we want them to do. In the end, it creates people who are crushed because their dreams have died inside of them because of the demands of others.

 Pastors are unique in many ways. We are people pleasers by nature. It brings great emotional distress to know people we serve are unhappy with us. We were many hats: counselor, community activist, motivational leader, inspiring speaker, spiritual sage, and accessible neighbor. Our marriages, finances, and children must be picture perfect. Knowing everything we say and do is under a microscope can be paranoia-inducing.

 This can lead many to experience anxiety and depression. I know I have struggled with anxiety and depression as well. It brings comfort to me knowing some great men and women of God have had these same struggles. David, Elijah, John Bunyan, and Charles Spurgeon among others have battled these crippling emotions.

 I want to be perfect. I want to be the perfect pastor. I want to be the perfect husband and dad. But I know I can’t. Because Scripture tells us all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. And that dichotomy creates an internal struggle within me and can be very difficult to deal with. I struggle with feelings of failure: that I have failed the church I have been called to serve and failed those who have placed their trust in me. When things do not go well I blame myself.

 So, friend, you see that I am much harder on Bryan Cox than you could ever be. When I stand to proclaim God’s infallible Word I experience the conviction you do, knowing there is always room for improvement in my own life. When I call you to repentance, know I have brought myself down to my knees in weeping. Yes, I am painfully aware of my own shortcomings.

 I long for the day when those who profess Christ seek to help people become God’s best version of themselves, rather than seeking their own desires and preferences. The church in the United States is in real danger. While there are churches that are fulfilling the Great Commission and making disciples, many more are not. And that grieves my heart.

 I want to leave you with this. If you know me, I hope you realize I have always wanted the best for you for the glory of God. If you don’t know me, I pray you will seek to become true to yourself-who God created you to be for His glory. Finally, if you do not like me, I pray God will give you peace to move on from self-destructive behaviors.

 For the first time, I am going to be true to myself. I am going to pastor for as long as God allows, but there are some things I have put off. I am going to finish, Zachary’s Song, this summer for my son. It is my gift to him, but the book will not be your typical autism story. In the fall I have outlined a book, Greener Pastures, for publication. It is an edgy fiction work. In between, I am going to rediscover my love for painting and seek to have those works on display. In other words, I am going to CREATE.

 If you are going to church tomorrow (which I hope you will!), do me a favor and extend some grace to your pastor. You don’t know the battles he or she fights for you in the name of Christ. Encourage him or her. And most important-live for God’s glory and leave no regrets.

 A Beggar Showing Other Beggars the Bread of Life,

Bryan Cox