I have received this question quite frequently in my years of ministry. Often, it comes from a spouse who is in a season of discontentment and is seeking a way out. I have found over the years, many folks come to a pastor essentially seeking their blessing on the dissolution of their marriage. So, I thought I would tackle this complex and controversial subject.
Let me say at the outset some folks may not agree with my bottom line assessments. That is fine. There is room for a diversity of opinions and conversations that should seek to help others and glorify God. I also want to point out what I am not addressing. The Bible gives two reasons for divorce: sexual immorality (Matthew 5:32; 19:9) and abandonment by an unbeliever (1 Corinthians 7:15). So, I won't be addressing those issues. What I will be addressing is the often complex reason many couples seek advice from their pastor or trusted individual. It usually goes along the line of: "We have just grown apart and don't get along anymore. God doesn't want us to be unhappy does He?"
We need to address the first issue: is just simply being dissatisfied in your marriage a biblical reason to get divorced? The short answer is no. As I stated above, the New Testament gives only two biblical grounds for divorce. So, if your spouse has not committed adultery or some other type of sexual immorality, and has not abandoned you, the New Testament is silent on any other issue.
Having said that, discontentment is a real issue in a marriage and must be addressed. Time and space won't allow me to list all the reasons couples grow apart in marriage but it is a reality if you are not careful. Things like the normal stresses and challenges of raising children, competing careers, unexpected losses of parents, siblings, or even children can have different effects on people. Many times, it is not just one incident, but a combination of things over time that cause two people in a marital relationship to drift apart. This results in a loss of intimacy and a reduction in communication, which results in a growing sense of dissatisfaction. The end result is, people think they would be happier if they had a different spouse. It is the grass is always greener somewhere else syndrome.
So, if you find yourself in this type of marriage today, what should you do? What are your options?
1. The first thing I recommend is renewing your commitment to Christ in your marriage.
Many times, spousal dissatisfaction and a lack of communication in marriage is the direct result of a loss of intimacy in a person's relationship with Christ. If you aren't praying with your spouse on a regular basis and talking about God's Word together, then chances are your own personal prayer life has slipped as well (Proverbs 4:23).
This opens the door for the enemy of our souls to come in and sow seeds of discontentment in our hearts, which left unchecked, can grow into weeds that will strangle our marriage and family.
I always counsel couples this is the first step in renewing intimacy within their relationship. This requires an honest assessment of their own spiritual walk with Christ and what that priority is within the context of their marital relationship.
2. You need to get long-term counseling.
You wouldn't believe how many times I have suggested this to people who are considering divorce and they tell me, "We cannot afford counseling." I always chuckle to myself when I hear this. Why you may ask? Because the average cost of divorce in the United States is around $15,000 dollars. I checked numerous websites and statistics and this is the generally accepted number. Divorce is expensive no matter how civil it may be. I always tell couples to consider the financial implications of divorce on their lives because it creates a financial hardship on everyone. Think about it. You have to find a place to live, pay routine monthly bills (power, water, phone), car, loans, etc. usually on half the income you had when you were married. This does not count any alimony or child support you may pay. If you are having a hard time making ends meet while married, you can be sure it will be much worse divorced.
The average hourly fee for a certified marriage counselor is between $80-$100 per hour. If you went once a month for a year at $100 a session that is $1,200 per year. That is roughly 8 years of counseling as compared to the average divorce. Sounds like a bargain to me.
You might be thinking, well how long do I need to go to counseling? Well, there is no hard and fast rule, but I generally tell folks you need to commit to a year and then evaluate the benefit you are receiving. Let me be direct. People expect counselors to solve all their problems in one or two sessions. You are living in a fantasy world if you expect that to happen. The problems in your marriage did not appear overnight and they will not resolve themselves overnight either. It is going to take months, perhaps longer, to work through the issues presented in your marriage. This is all predicated on the assumption you are actually following through with what your counselor advises you to do.
The marriage vows you take are so important that it is worth investing at least a year of your life trying to work through your problems with an objective third party (Mark 10:9).
3. You need to ask yourself, "What would glorify God in this situation?"
I am going to tell you something you may not want to hear. God's ultimate goal for your life is not your happiness, but His glory (Philippians 2:9-11). Now, is God concerned about your happiness? Absolutely. God does not want His children walking through life miserable. He wants us to experience the abundant life Jesus promised in John 10:10. However, we often mistake what will make us happy in this life.
There is a trend in our culture that I see more and more. People are divorcing after 20 + years of marriage. It usually occurs after the children are at college or perhaps graduated college and on their own. What has happened is the couple agrees to essentially a business arrangement to stay together for the sake of the children and when the children have reached adulthood, they go their separate ways. This is not only harmful for the couple, but the children as well. Children form assumptions and patterns of behavior about how relationships should work based in large part from what they see at home. Thus, if children see a love-less business relationship in a marriage, chances are they will grow up and emulate that behavior. It becomes a vicious cycle that is difficult to break.
If a couple earnestly attempts to place God first in their relationship, and genuinely attempts to work through their issues via a competent, certified marriage counselor, then I believe spouses can find the love, joy, fulfillment, and peace God wants them to have in their marriage.
This requires laying aside our desires and seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness (Matthew 6:33). This is the only way to find true happiness and contentment. This is the antithesis of what what the world says: you happiness is the only thing that matters. Do whatever you must to do what makes you happy. The sad reality is that many times, what we think will bring us happiness is only fleeting. It may last for a season, but it will eventually turn sour.
Do not sacrifice what God has given you for temporary satisfaction. Be patient enough to let God work in your situation. Have faith in His ability. And let the peace of Christ rule in your heart and marriage(Colossians 3:15).
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